Blardy Blah

Holy Shit I'm updating!

Thu, 08 Jul 2004 06:23:20 GMT

For those of you who are on the edge of his seat anxiously checking everyday to see if blackcowlips has updated her livejournal, I torment you no more!!! I AM HERE!! lol! Yes, life has been very pleasantly blase. I have been unemployed (not regrettably) and doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Then why pretell, do I not update more often, well after a thousand lashes with a skin noodle (yuck yuck) I am going to solemnly swear to update at least ...at least...twice a week!!! There you have it folks, for those of you interested in my bizzaro life, behavior and antics, I will update even if it's painful. Until next time groupies.... same bat time...same bat channel!!!!!!

thank god for drugs

Fri, 28 May 2004 20:55:28 GMT

Allo all! feeling better. It's always so cringe-worthy to look back and see something you wrote in the grips of despair! But I am feeling much better. It turns out the first few weeks you are on zoloft can do that to you. Which makes me feel better knowing that it is not some personal flaw.. :::snickers::: how is everyone doing? I am going to see Shrek 2 tonight! yipee! And it is a beautiful day. I have been working on a web page of my photography, it will be up shortly. be goooooooooooooodddddddddddd!!!!!

pftttttttttttt

Tue, 25 May 2004 19:43:33 GMT

so here i am. what do i do? is there anything left to say. well, i guess i am cliche. that is what i have gathered. morose little girl. is there a way to break this cycle. i really do have promise as a human being. honestly i can be funny. but i can be sad too. i guess this is just one of those times. i cringe at my self-loathing, it's so narcissistic. sorry i couldn't do better. it will get better. it has to. i promise.

life sucks

Mon, 24 May 2004 07:06:23 GMT

life just f*cking sucks. you never win. it's always too late or just out of reach. your own worst enemy is yourself and then you allow everyone else to pile on too. i hate people who criticize, i hear enough of that sh*t inside my own head. yeah, like anyone gives a damn.

Rack

Mon, 17 May 2004 04:57:23 GMT

Bonsoir mon amies! With my joblessness extending seemingly forever into the abyss of the future, I have decided to update my lj. I was a lot more consistent with my older lj, but unfortunately I am a procrastinating demon. I am going to be working on my geocites web site, hopefully I'll be able to put most of my pics plus a small movie on there. I have really got to start update my lj more often! bad me bad me. My new medications and therapy is working so well, that I am going on a road trip tomorrow! I am so excited. I am going to see Ministry in Jacksonville! My therapist told me to treat myself once I feel like I am getting over this anxiety hump. I have been wanting to see Ministry for the last two years and now I will finally be able to! What really has helped me with my anxiety is this, if I am going to die, at least I won't feel anxious anymore. It was getting to the point where I feared death less than anxiety. There was always this fear that I would go so insane no one would ever love me, and this irrational fear has run my life for the last 5 years. Well with this reality therapy, it has really opened my eyes to the absurdity of my disorder. I see the thoughts that are conjured up and now I can see some of them are just plain ridiculous. I was told that there is really no such thing as an anxiety disorder, it is just a symptom of obsessive-compulsive disorder. The anxiety comes when you obsess over irrational thoughts and then act compulsively to avoid the anxiety. Sometimes I will be in super Walmart and I think I am going to fall down and then float to the ceiling. This thought terrifies the hell out of me and then I begin to not be able to feel my feet because my adrenalin is kicked-up, I start to become thick-tongued and have difficulty talking. I feel as if I am losing control of my body. It is really scary. But instead of thinking this thought, I'll tell who ever is with me that I am afraid I will fall down and float away. Once the absurdity of this statement is acknowledged my someone else as absurd, it no longer bothers me. I know this sounds weird, but it has been working wonders for me. That and my trusty zoloft/xanax combination. The idea of being in a car for hours would terrify me before and I would begin to obsess and try to prepare myself mentally to be in a car for hours, but when I tell somebody that and they point out that I am obsessing, I know longer want to think about it, therefore it lowers my anxiety. Well I am not writing this out of pure narcissism (well okay maybe a little :p). I am writing in case someone who also has this disorder stumbles across my journal and they will know that he/she is not alone. Because that is the worst feeling in the world is to have all these feelings and think that no one can possibly know what you are going through. It makes you feel so alone and alienated. I hope everyone is doing wonderfully! Be good and wish me luck!

Yuck

Fri, 30 Apr 2004 18:48:33 GMT

Allo, allo. Why do the French say Allo, and it sounds so close to hello, just say hello. I guess it is only me these little things bother. I am going to be a brave little girl and I am going to watch a movie at the movie theaters tonight!! I am going to go see Kill Bill vol. 2. I am really excited/nervous. But I want to see it so bad, I saw the first one on DVD and I wished I could have seen it on the big screen. I was really close to seeing it on the big screen but I chickened out at the last minute. I am working on a new story and I am really excited about it. I can't give it all away but it is about a young boy growing into a man and being tossed around in the foster care system. It will be written in first person perspective. It will be a mock autobiography. Anyways for those of you out there who are reading, don't steal my idear!! That's another peeve of mine is when people say idear instead of idea. or winder instead of window. I was just thinking today, on this miserable grey opaque day, what is it in us that constantly drives us to do something, anything. Is it the fear of emptiness, if we aren't productive we should be dead. Or is it just doing something to distract us before we die? So you finally settle down in life, then what? Who has the prettiest decorated box (house). Who has the nicer transporter (car). If we didn't have jobs, and if we didn't have to do anything, say we could live of eating grass, what would we do? I guess we can't live with ourselves, I don't know I am just rambling as usual. I am not a neophyte philosopher, these are just real topics that I ponder on and it either whips up the ole anxiety, or it keeps me seriously contemplated until I placate or distract myself with a movie. hahahaha. It would just be sad if consciousness, was just a chemical process, it really would. Man, I swear I am not so gloomy all the time! It is just this crappy weather makes me brood! Til later!!

FRALALA

Wed, 28 Apr 2004 22:09:37 GMT

Wadddy upppy? I am just sitting here "spinning in luminol" anyways. I am feeling antsy. Damn existential angst. I feel so numb and down-trodden. I was just thinking about the other day, that the way we visually connect with the world is through fleshy orbs. Isn't that weird? And then our brain is also a fleshy orb. And planets are orbs too! CYCLE CYCLE CYCLE!! Then it spun me into a panic attack right in the middle of a bookstore, which with all that sensory overload I am suprised had not happened sooner. For my new friends who are just tuning in, I am a recovering agoraphobic. I have done very well these last three years but I still have a full blown panic attack at least once a week, and anxiety just about everyday. My doctors always want to know, why am I so anxious? And I am like, does the absurdity of our existence not ever occur to you? If we do live beyond our bodies, when do we end? What can go on for eternity that would not drive us mad? What could we do for eternity? Why do atoms decide to be certain shapes? All basic atomic structure is the same, why are some cardboard and why are some my eyeball? Why don't I float away? But I am floating already on a rock that is being slung around a gas ball at thousands of miles per hour. YIKES, you see these are the thoughts that trigger my anxiety attacks. My doctor's response? You really need a hobby to take up some of that mental energy, in the meantime, eat these paxil. Yeah right.....

everybody plays the fool

Mon, 19 Apr 2004 01:55:59 GMT

what a depressing song! Anyhoots, new to here, friends have finally convinced me that my downward spiral into the realm of insanity be recorded. let me know if this thing is on. Thanks :)